Your head becomes a pinball, and then you arrive at a corner and Bruce Lee kicks you in your kidneys

I have been following F1 obsessively since the days Niki Lauda was fighting Alain Prost in a McLaren MP4/2, and I always had the dream of becoming one of the lucky few who rodeo the fastest machines in the worldF on a weekly basis. Unfortunately, as I grew in size, I simultaneously diminished in talent and had long given up on that F1 fantasy. Fast-forward 25 years and I find myself driving impatiently to the Dubai Autodrome where that long lost dream was about to turn to reality. Granted, I wasn’t going to be driving myself, but nevertheless my excitement was palpable.

The people I have to thank for this opportunity work for a Spanish company by the name of Best Lap, who are the owners of two formula 1 cars. But these aren’t your run of the mill F1 cars (if ever there was such a thing), because as you can see from the pictures, there is room in them for 2 passengers. The cars in question are both ex-Jordan F1 cars one of which was driven by Nick Hiedfeld in 2004, while the other was the car that Giancarlo Fisichella won the 2003 Brazilian Grand Prix in. Both cars have been mated with a 3.5l V10 Judd engine making 750bhp. They then modified the side intake system and welded two passenger pods to each side of the driver before subjecting the car to all the relevant FIA Safety regulations for all three passengers. The resulting F1x3, as it is known, weighs in at around 750kg, some 150kg heavier than an equivalent single-seater F1 car, while supposedly offering about 95% of the performance. The 0-100kph and 0-200kph stay at 2.8 and 4.8 seconds respectively. Very few things are faster than that.

Thanks to UAE telecom giant Etisalat, the F1x3 cars are now in Dubai and lined up to do a series of events in the area. Thanks to a bit of boot-licking and a lot of string pulling, I secured a place to ride in one and fulfill the lifelong dream of being even slightly involved in F1.

Upon arrival at the Dubai Autodrome we (I was joined by Editor-in-chief Bassam) were put through a briefing, and then made to sign the mandatory disclaimers that, upon closer examination, only state that if something were to happen you would leave behind a widow as young and as rich as they are ever going to get in your company.

It is somewhat relaxing that both the drivers on duty today have tons of experience in single-seaters, in addition to racing in a wide variety of other categories. The first of the drivers is Jordi Gene, brother of ex-Williams F1 racer and current Ferrari test driver Marc Gene (who incidentally is one of the owners of Best Lap) whom upon cross-examination reveals that in order to get from Barcelona to Dubai he had been forced to go through Frankfurt and Beirut, avoiding fog banks, cancelled flights and unprepared airport staff, with the unnerving result that he had managed about 75 minutes of sleep the night before. I quickly imprinted his helmet design in my mind to make sure that I instead rode along-side ex-GP2 racer Felix Porteiro, who was driving the second F1x3.

Anyway why would I be worried? It’s not like the last time an F1 car ran at the Dubai Autodrome, not too long ago, someone with a plethora of experience driving very fast cars never made it past the track’s straight. What is the worst that could happen? I mean, it is not like I am about to strap into the side-pod of a 750bhp contraption that weights as much as a Caterham.

In the make-shift changing room at the back of the garage, I am dressed up in full racing kit. It is all FIA approved, which means that you are covered by five sweat inducing coats of fire resistant material, shoes included. The beautiful girl assigning the helmets gave me a compliment by giving me a medium size helmet which was obviously insufficient for the oversized pumpkin that crowns my body. While the guy with the suits complained about my size and how difficult it was going to be finding a rag that would cover me.

At that point, and even with such an upbeat mood reigning through the rooms, all joking immediately stopped the moment the first car was fired up. What a melody. Not even Mariah Carey would be able to hit such a high pitch. What always surprises me about race-car engines is the apparent lack of inertia. How they manage to get from 1500rpm to 15000rpm so fast. In an F1 car it is flabbergasting. It is nigh on instantaneous. With all the bits and pieces made of carbon, magnesium, titanium, and the like, the 3.5l V10 engine goes up the rev range so quick that human ears cannot make out the rising scale. And it is as quick on the way up as it is on the way back down. For me, that was the first clue as to what a challenge driving one of these machines must be and I began to understand what must have happened to Mr. Bin Sulayem on that fateful day.

After a few minutes of minute checking, the cars head out on to the track for a warm-up stint and are then prepared for the first passengers and after what seemed like no time at all it was my turn. Here we go.

Getting into the pod is not an easy task. It took me a good minute to squeeze my paquidermic girth down and into the side pod. The seating position is exactly the same as the driver’s, which is almost horizontal and slightly claustrophobic. One of the best things about the F1x3 car is that as you are sitting behind the front wheel, there is no obstruction of vision as you would get in a two seater F1 car. As a result, not only do you get the full sensation of speed, but you can also observe the driver while he wrestles with the steering wheel and paddle shifts. The distance to him is about 30cm, so you could actually knock him on the head if you wanted to. Not that you would at 280kph.

In an F1 car the power is never the problem. Putting it down to the ground is. The car has so much that the limit is always that of traction, so the F1x3’s explosive straight line acceleration is almost identical to that of the real deal. I have frequently read that in this or that car the push is like a kick in the back. Not true. Or, at best it is poetic license. Not here. The moment the throttle comes down you receive a tremendous shove in the back and if you are not careful, your head becomes a pin-ball. Then you arrive at a corner, and Bruce Lee shows up and karate kicks you in your kidneys as the brakes do their thing. Then, half a second later the air turbulence tries to separate your head from your body so much that you should attempt to hold your helmet with your hand. But the F1 hero I always wanted to be demanded that I tried to hold my neck up throughout the ride. Big mistake as now, while writing this, I have a stiff and funny posture thanks to the cramps I developed. This has given me even more admiration for those guys that withstand this for over 70 laps because at the end of the experience, and after the good minute (again) that it took me to get out of the car, I was trembling all over. Not of fear, but of excitement.

The only disappointing aspect of the F1x3 was that due to the sand on the track, which two cars lapping were never able to clean, and the extra weight of the passengers, the cornering speed was not as high as I imagined it would be and the moment the driver started pushing a bit the car would slide. So we never got anywhere near to the 4.5G the F1x3 car can supposedly do.

The drivers later confirmed that they could only push to about 70% of what the car is capable of in terms of braking and cornering speed and that in perfect conditions they could easily match a Lemans car and could actually go much faster on twisty tracks because of its superior acceleration and aero package.

I left the track with a feeling of fulfillment and accomplishment as, although it wasn’t me driving, I had been part of something I have dreamt of since I was in short shorts. As Mr. Gilmour and Pink Floyd once said: How I wish you were here.