There was no need for two people to die in the crazy super saloon

We had a month to find a car. We were then divided up into three teams and handed 00 to play with. And now we are here, at the Dubai Autodrome, for the ultimate conclusion of the inaugural evo Two Ton Challenge, a testosterone-fuelled tarmac-shredding showdown to be played-out on the immaculate sun-licked racing lines of the Autodrome's infamous Club Circuit.

Just days earlier this very circuit had seen the likes of Jean Alesi (who it must be stated actually volunteered his services to drive the Team Asterix Peugeot for sheer kicks but time restraints put halt to this) and a whole range of race cars from Speedcar V8s to Radicals. And over the last 16 issues we had a fair share of track time here, using this local circuit to lap test some amazing machines, including Bassam's carbon-covered Radical SR3, the Fast Fleet Caterham G7260, the stunning Audi R8 and a magnificent Ferrari F50 - all giving 110 per cent in the quest of a killer lap and leader board domination. But nothing can prepare the circuit for what is now about to throw down...!

The clock ticks on to 2.30pm. There is a cool breeze blowing, when the two saloons and a red hatchback roll up at the doors of the circuit's workshop for pre-race scrutineering and one last safety check before the bloody battle commenced. Though all three tarmac-terrors have good reason to look a bit sorry for themselves (two of the cars literally abandoned prior to being taken under the loving evo wing) they are all looking pretty swish - dare I say factory fresh following a special spa treatment earlier that day. It's amazing what a bucket of murky regurgitated salt water can do to a classic car's constitution!

Under closer inspection though none of the cars are what you'd play as pristine. The red 205 has creases in both of the doors; a ding in the tailgate, one faulty driving lamp and it is forever losing trim inside and out. And that's just for starters. The 190 Cosworth, although completely standard and wearing the same panels and paint it left the factory with in 1989, is missing both front lower fog lamps, has a few minor battle scars along its flanks and is devoid of its boot badges. And then there's the red 155, which even with a dent in the driver's side front wing and faded plastic trim, is the cleanest car here (and alarmingly still running) which is worrying as it is currently in the lead with 103.67 points. This was achieved by coming most under budget at $ 1633; maximum 100 points for hitting the $ 2000 target and one bonus point for every $ 10 under. The 205 was trailing closely behind with 103 points at $ 1700 exactly; the Mercedes way down the board with 95 due to an inflated price tag of $ 2500.

If the Alfa and the Pug could pull a perfect score for the speed run and a clear 100 points for the lap time, then the Merc would have to hit the main straight at 182kph and run the kerbs to lap the circuit in 1 min 23 seconds (akin to that the Porsche Cayenne Turbo S we timed while back) to have a stab at winning today. Possible I guess, but far from likely! Test pilot for the bonkers Benz though is Blair, who is focussed on wrapping his prayer beads around what is left of the rear-view mirror holder to enter into this debate. I suppose anything is possible.

ROUND 2: LAP TIMES
Location - Dubai Autodrome The test - Timed laps of the Club Circuit. Benchmark time set by Mini Cooper S. Each team driver gets four flying laps.
Scoring - Total of 100 points up for grabs, with two points added for every tenth of a second faster than the Mini, or two points removed for every tenth of a second slower.

The Two Ton Challenge had started off as a fan fare of fantasy and tear-jerking camaraderie - a heart-warming scene when we all met at the Media City car park last month. There were high hopes from the divided camps. Blair and Mohamed from Team Focke 190 promised each other that they would invest in some new tyres, a geometry check at the very least, and spend some quality time fine-tuning the 2.5 powerplant. We later heard that Blair had tried to negotiate some cheeky testing time at the Dubai Autodrome. Bassam and Alejandro couldn't have been any different if they tried; parking up their red Alfa in a multi-storey car park after the introductory photoshoot and left it sat there. Neither of them attempted to start the red V6, wash it, or even check it was still there for a whole month. Amazingly it started first time. Bassam paid someone $ 5 to give it a good once over with a bucket and sponge and headed back home - leaving Alejandro in charge of the keys and the responsibility of delivering their 'touring car' safely to the race circuit just after lunch.

So, in truth none of our cars are bad little soldiers at all, just needing some gentle TLC and loving attention. But they are not going to get that today; instead they are going to get a good old-fashioned mid-afternoon thrashing.

A small but curious crowd soon congregates around as the pool of performance icons idle patiently outside the Autodrome race school. The electric workshop shutter door moans into life, as our crappy cars get the first glimpse of Motorsport heaven. Lined up along the right-hand side of the workshop are rows of single-seaters, to the left a workshop floor you could eat your dinner off, if you so desired.

First to roll in is the 1.9 Peugeot. My best laid plans of retrofitting a custom straight-through exhaust system had been thwarted by bone-idleness, sadly, for all you could now hear rattle around the eerily silent Autodrome workshop was a faint wisp of flatulence. Nevertheless, the farty forerunner grabbed the attention of the Speedcar boys who were busy beavering away in an adjacent workshop. Silent appreciation is noted by Luca and I, as droves of all nationalities adore and pat our tin-foil car, which we had named Bruce. While I attended to the fluid levels, Luca experimented with tyre pressures. As everyone else was mooching around outside talking girls and TV, Team Asterix took the opportunity to jack up the rear and remove the spare wheel from underneath, sneak out the hefty sound system and rear seats. We also attacked anything, which a screwdriver could quickly and easily remove. But half way through our development of our 205 Superleggera, Blair rocked up and lodged a formal complaint with the scrutineers.

We were immediately told to put the spare wheel back in its original metal basket under the car and re-fit the rear bench seat. On second glance we were threatened with a serious points ballast or at worst disqualification if we didn't remove the aerodynamic aids, we had applied to the shut-lines at the front of the 205. With our best efforts of superlightening our Peugeot plagued by plutocracy and pig-headedness we put everything back into the car and remove the silly strips of sticky tape from the nose of our naughty 205 and roll out to feel the warmth of the sun and soon-to-be-success on our face...

Technical guru Blair was in and out of the workshop in a matter of minutes, finding that all fluid levels were tip-top and the tyre pressures of the barely legal tyres were to his liking. On second thought Mr. Cole thought better of it and trickled a few extra splashes of oil into the old dog and engaged a clunky reverse to follow the GTI up to the technical bay for battle.

ALFA 155 V6	Peugeot 205 GTI 1.9	MERC 190 2.5 16V
Team: Alfa Dog	Team: Asterix	Team: Focke-190
Driver: Bassam Kronfli	Driver: Luca Cima	Driver: Blair Cole
Points so far: 103.67	Points so far: 103.00	Points so far: 95.00

It is at this point that I must point out that the other half of Team Focke-190 is not here for today's track terrorising. Knowing that the monstrous Merc had thrown up an alarming amount of issues since last month, Mohamed feared the 2.5 16v would do someone an injury, so he booked himself a vacation and jetted off to North America. Mr. Khalaf has a rather obscene fear of flying too, so his fear mongering soon filtered down to chief crash test dummy Blair. Seriously, we all agree that Blair should bow out gracefully, for his own safety, as the 190 Merc was showing a demonic side not seen before. For starters it wouldn't run unless roasting hot and was showing more throttle response when Blair applied the brake pedal. It would lock up when you operated the manual mode on the autobox too. 'The brakes are good though, if a little wobbly' Blair states nonchalantly. 'And when it gets going its quick.' The silly Focke's in the German camp were showing no signs of backing down, even with life in the balance. Mohamed was kilometres away in another country, so Blair needed a stand-in co-pilot. Unsurprisingly there were no volunteers. It was noted that there was no real need for two people to die in the crazy super saloon, so the rules were changed to allow each team to run with driver only.

In true Alfa Dog style, the team's driver arrives an hour late, giving time only to adjust his seating position. Bassam doesn't even ask Alejandro (the man put in charge of the oil, water and brake fluid checks) any questions about the car - or if he has actually done any of the above - and dashes up to the start/finish gantry to observe the first car to rattle off down the pit lane for the first lap of the Club Circuit; the 1980's 205 GTI.

To keep the interest factor on the boil, we decided that we'd all have to run on the tyres the car came with. Team Asterix were running no brand rubber, with oodles of tread on all four corners, while Team Alfa Dog had the choice of two - both alloys running near as new Yokos. The Merc (also on Yokohamas) pulled the short straw, with hardly any tread left and unfit for service ten years ago if not longer. But as rules are rules, Team Focke-190 had to do the best they could with what they had, which is not a lot.

‘Could our $ 2k Challengers wipe the S oFf the MINI’s chest?’

Today's challenge will be kept simple; three ropey relics, three racing drivers, a full tank of fuel, one out lap, four flying laps and one cool down lap. Simple. Or so you'd think...because there was a slight surprise in store for the team drivers. Everyone knew there was a bogey time to beat. But as far as every one knew, the car to beat would be a 2007-spec Suzuki Swift. In essence what we were trying to demonstrate was how far technology has come and that the once icon bahn stormers of the 1980s couldn't cut it in today's market of entry-level hatch backs. But on hearing that their Swift was going head-to-head with our three golden oldies Suzuki terminated the loan until they could consult head office, in Japan, and gain official clearance. Trying to make light of the story and insuring them that it was great publicity and that without a shadow of a doubt these shadows of former selves couldn't come close to matching the new car, possibly not even making it around the circuit once. But after a lot of fuss, phone calls and pitching we were told no.

Then I had a brainstorm. The first issue of evo I had the grace to work on was issue 005, in which we pitted the two generations of BMW Cooper S Minis against each other. Still to date the 2005-spec supercharged Cooper S has been the slowest car we have timed around the Club Circuit of the Dubai Autodrome. But, it also stands as one of the most erratic and nerve-clenching laps we have ever timed, going to show you don't need to be at the top of the leader board to have fun. So, with Autodrome Race School manager James Burnett behind the wheel, we had a time of 1 minute and 28 on the nose and a top trap speed of 177.6kph.

The plan was to get as close as you could to the lap time and top speed of the Cooper S. A full 100 points would be awarded for those that were able to match the top speed down the main pit straight, and another 100 points up for grabs for those able to match or better the overall 2.6 kilometre lap of the Club Circuit. Every 1kph below would result in a 1-point deduction.

With only 1598cc the Mini had the lowest capacity compared to the three carcasses we had driven to the circuit today; the 1905cc 205 GTI, 2498cc Merc Cosworth and 2492cc Alfa V6, which raised the question: Could our Two Ton Challengers wipe the S off the Mini's chest?

Funnier things have happened, one being that these three contenders are all still alive, amazingly, none of them coughing up oil, spitting out water or over heating. It really is a miracle. But could they beat that Munich Mini?

Considering they are not exactly at the top of their game, probably not - but it'll be fun to find out. Worth noting, is that the Alfa emits a weird knocking sound on turning and wobbles under hard braking. Both these offences are probably caused by worn bushings, and easily remedied if Team Alfa Dog had the time, the patience and the inclination. But they don't.

Plus, the Mercedes had more things wrong than right, also suffering from a slight wobble under hard braking. Which brings us to the little Peugeot - the handful of red that Luca will be driving for the under dogs under the banner of Team Asterix, in a matter of minutes. The month had started off rather badly for us Frenchies though and to be fair only got worse. First off our mangy cat started to moult, shedding unwanted parts. First it was the passenger-side wing mirror adjuster cowling, then the ashtray, followed by the electric window mechanism. But we wanted to lose a few grams here and there anyway, so I stopped worrying, instead willing bits of plastic and rubber to the floor. Then we realised we had a faulty fuel gauge, and subsequently ran out of fuel - twice.

More damming problems were aloft at the German camp; the Focke had been hit hard when Dubai flooded recently. The 190 Cosworth had seen it's fare share of water, which had seeped into the sultry saloon making a mess of the interior, contaminating the fuel tank, fuel pump, distributor and fuel injectors. Even when all the affected parts were replaced the tank was still slightly contaminated, which resurfaced again soon after. The white powdery substance is hardly noticeable now, but it's still there (whether they like to admit or not) and will no doubt affect the performance on this day of all days.

This should fill us and the 205 GTI with hope, but Luca and I are still fretting like old French maids. The GTI rolled off the production line in the late Eighties with 130bhp and if I am not mistaken we're probably gifted with around 120bhp today due to old age. On paper the Alfa had a lot more at 163bhp and I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't far off that figure now. Funnily enough, the Merc appears to be kicking out an amount of horsepower close to the manufacturers claim of 201, but that moisture in the fuel system will hamper their delivery drastically. It'll still be bloody fast though, no question, so the only advantage for a team like us in the GTI will be found in the twists and turns. I doubt we'll be anywhere near as fast as the others down the main straight, because when the Germanic 190 gets going it gets going good, but our 205 will clearly carry bigger speed into the first turn; handle like it is on glue and stick to the road like rails, or is that the other way around? Either way, we of the French Legion will out -manoeuvre the other motors for sure.

You'd think Luca was about to challenge the Dubai 24 hour race in a state-of-the-art racer though, rather than the reality, which is four laps (if we were lucky) in a rough old bag of spanners circa 1988. He has prepared the car and himself meticulously, but is failing miserably to hide his nerves. No one bugged Luca about his obvious concerns though, because our Italian contributor was about to have his first seat time ever, in the formidable Widow maker of hatches.

Mr. Cima tells me how he's going to kill the lap time of the Mini, without killing the tyres, the brakes, the fragile French hot hatch - and most importantly, himself. I don't believe a word he says and say a little prayer for him and my car, the latter now frothing at the bit as Luca hikes up the revs. Watching as the tail end of our limp lion disappears out of the technical bay and trundles down the pit-lane, a sense of pride washes over me. The only thing we hear for the next four laps is the screeching of ten thousand cats, as the 205 is sideways from Turn 1, oversteering at every apex there-on-after, like a scolded cat through Club link, cruising well over the kerbs and ballistic through the bowl. The GTI was storming around the curves of the Club Circuit, to everyone's amazement, surely taking top honours in the Two Ton Challenge, hopefully in doing so wiping the lap record clean away from Bassam's Radical SR3, which sits atop the evo Club Circuit leader board.

‘The 205 GTI has the pit-wall-bound teams on their toes’

Luca later reports that he was nervous as hell on Turn 1, and again piloting a fast 3rd gear corner off camber a few turns later, the headlamps of the heroic hatchback facing the wall inside the corner. But thankfully the 205 had enough speed to reach the apex safely for crafty Cima to keep flat on the go faster pedal... Yes our GTI lacks a bit of power, if you're going to compare it to today's standards - and the 205 doesn't have that push of a modern 206 GTI either, but the fun of driving this battle-scarred firecracker is second to none.

On the second run Looney Luca braces his knees, clenches his grip around the Nardi steering wheel and winces. There is a lot of grip on the front, as the super 205 steers quick into the corners, which is what encourages Team Asterix's driver Cima to eek a little more from our 1.9, firming the right foot flat as early as possible out of the corners. This had mixed results. Predictably though, the nose tucks in nicely and Luca and his lion get the power down neatly on the exit.

The evo lap record of Bassam's carbon Radical was clearly in no threat, I can tell you that much, but by the crack of backfire as third gear makes way for fourth down the pit straight in the 205, it has all pit-wall-bound team members on their toes.

You could tell that Bassam wasn't expecting the GTI to be this quick. Blair had no idea it would go so well down the straight either. Hopes of trumping our elderly hot hatch with their higher top speed claims were falling shorter by the second. But was it quicker around the track than the blue supercharged Mini? The evo boys usually never afraid to dip into their pockets and raise a few bets are now reluctant to put money where their mouths are. It's a tough call, which is great news for Team Asterix. Luca rolls back into the pit lane, jumps out with exuberance and prances for joy. 'She's a beauty,' he hollers up to me as I hang onto every word he says from up on the gantry. 'She doesn't do anything but slide, beautiful; the backend goes you apply opposite lock and wait and wait and wait, and then wham you're sliding the other way. Just beautiful.' Now I am excited!

Bassam is next up in the Alfa. There is little in the way of communication between Bassam and Alejandro; no emotion, no inspired shaking of hands, or motivational speeches. All very low key and businesslike. Unlike Luca and I, who are still skipping around the technical bay like a couple of schoolgirls. Without saying the words I think Alfa Dog's Bassam Kronfli is aware that he can't make his V6 Alfa Romeo go anywhere near as quickly around the track as our Peugeot 205, never mind the 168bhp Mini. There are no audible heroics on hand from the Alfa's boxy tailpipe; no echoes of those front Yokohamas losing grip, no firecracker gear changes either. By the time Team Alfa Dog's nose sniffs the first turn for his first flying lap, every available team member is on the gantry to observe Bassam and Alejandro's touring car clambering all over the kerbs as he exits the last turn before bellowing down the main straight. Knowing his ego wouldn't allow him to pass by without checking to see if there are any adoring fans doted along the pit wall, Luca and I indicate for him to slow down. On the second lap we do the same again, this time with more verve. By the end of the straight he actually looks like he's considering pulling over. He later admits that he thought we were telling him to slow down because his Alfa was on fire. Slightly distracted Bassam arrived into Turn 1 slightly off line, looked in his rear view mirror only to see what he thought was plumes of smoke billowing from the back of the car. Moments later he realised it was just clouds of dust kicked up by his unorthodox wide line approach to the corner. But it had clearly unnerved him.

It might not sound as snappy as the 205, but it's making steady pace off into the sunset. I keep up the bragging that no one can touch the GTI, but secretly I fear we've lost before the Alfa had even completed its first of four laps.

It's consistent too. Team Alfa Dog getting marginally quicker as each lap goes under the belt. Bassam and his $ 2K brute burble back into the pits and park next to the 205. He has the same look on his face that Luca had. 'How much fun is that?' Grinning from ear-to-ear he explains that you can get the backend to kick out easily, and is just as easy to adjust in order to find the apexes. 'I just wish I had more laps, I'm sure I could have got it to go a lot faster,' he adds. The Alfa had been given the biggest beating of its life, to date, and you could just tell it wanted more.

Team Alfa Dog are the only team with a fully standard car too, complete with the factory steering wheel. Actually, everything seems to work on the Alfa. This makes the Italian V6 stand head and shoulders over the competition. If the Romeo of these road warriors can manage a whole month without being looked at and start first time, what hope is there for the 205 of Team Asterix and the Focke's 190 Cosworth which is now rolling out of the pit garage? All eyes are now on its driver Blair, who is wearing his helmet, gloved up and clutching his prayer beads for dear life. He'll need more than a prayer to win this battle, and a few angels to keep him alive and well.

The Merc may be old and tired, and not exactly out of place if dumped in a scrap yard tomorrow, but once on track it looks truly at home, as it roars down the pit lane.

In time Bassam jokes, 'Has Blair gone past yet?' We all laugh and realise it's been over two minutes and we haven't seen the flying focke-190. Finally, the 190 thunders across the start/finish line. We hear over the radio that he suffered severe fuel starvation in the Links. The speed Cole gathers past the pits puts a halt to the giggling, vibrating the gantry we are all standing on. Alejandro glances at team mate Kronfli; 'that looks pretty damn fast.' Bassam shrugs his shoulders and sits back down, only to be up on his feet again moments later as Bold Blair's bombshell shells the pit wall with dust and sand on his first flying lap. Three laps later and it looks like the Germans might just take the honours today. It sounds the nuts, but not for much longer. Blair takes the chequered flag then retires a few yards later, calling into Race Control for permission to U-turn at the end of the pit straight and drive the wrong way down the pit lane.

The 190 is coughing and spluttering, but still running. There is no way in hell you could get another lap out of the Cossie Merc without a good spring clean and the fuel tank flushed of the contamination, but doing so would improve the lap times, surely? We all gathered in the pit garage, pacing around with anticipation like nervous ponies. First off, we'd achieved the impossible, by buying speed for $ 2000, but how much was yet to be seen. James Burnett from the Autodrome slowly strolls in with a few pieces of paper in his hand, printed on them the results... If I had to bet my wages on the winner I probably would've lost the lot!

Alfa Dog had collected a healthy sum of points last month, arriving well under budget. Their V6 Sport was proving annoyingly reliable too, and the fact that neither team member Bassam or Alejandro gave a damn about their flared saloon got a few backs up. Team Focke-190 on the other hand had pooled a lot of love and attention into their 16v Mercedes - and hadn't spent a dime on it since it arrived rattling and rocking into the Media City car park last month - but would they be rewarded for the points needed to win the inaugural evo Two Ton Challenge?

The Alfa males had victory written all over their faces, and even when the results read out in the descending order putting them in second place two seconds off the winning time of 1 min 28 they still gloated. No guys, you didn't win. Their Alfa may have put in a flawless performance around the Club Circuit, with a top trap speed of 173kph, but it wasn't enough to take the crown from the kings of the kerbs, the almighty 205 GTI of Team Asterix. Yes the lesser powered French hatch won, by a clear two seconds. Amazing.

Even though Team Asterix had previously feared the frightening Cosworth fighter of the Focke-190 regiment, even more so the deadly Italian touring car of Alfa Dog, I was sure our little lion could and would pull out all the stops around the circuit. And it didn't let us down.

Actually this is the first track time in the history of evo Middle East that a lap time has not been dictated by the trap speed recorded down the main straight. It has been the case so far that those with a faster time down the pit stretch record a quicker time around the Club Circuit, but this is not the case with the 205 GTI. Yes it was the fastest out of our three contenders, proving our initial belief that the fastest means the quickest, but the Peugeot matched the track lap time of the Cooper S Mini, on the dot, yet it was 1.9kph slower before Turn 1. This just goes to show how well honed the chassis is on the 205 GTI.

Granted, the 190 Mercedes was not firing on all of its cylinders but overall these cars all put in a sterling effort, did exactly what was asked of them - no one lost any bodywork (on track) no one hit a wall and no one broke down - and all for under $ 2000.

And now you have the chance to own one of our classic challengers. If you'd like to buy anyone of them, just drop us a line. They are all available for a test drive. Best viewed once the sun has gone down though - that's when they truly look their best!

‘The Alfa males had victory written all over their faces'

AUTODROME LAP TIMES	Time	Points
1. 205 GTI	1:28.0	100
2. 155 V6	1:30.0	98
3. 2.5 16V	1:31.0	97
MINI (target time)	1:28.0	-